Well it’s lockdown time here in Vic. Well in nearly 4 hours. So how are we all doing?
For me, it kind of feels like a blur this time around. The adrenaline is not there so much. Maybe just a mix of numbness and peace and anxiety all at the same time. Is that a thing?
School at home again! Oh boy. I called Summer’s school 6 times over an hour and finally got through on the sixth time. Maybe everyone was calling them. I got put through to the lady I needed to speak to straight away and told her our situation. I’m requesting Summer be allowed to go to school, due to our changed situation of vulnerability – her current unpredictable violence due to the new medication and my current low energy state over the last month. The lady was very sympathetic and understanding. The school is great. I’m hoping for a YES tomorrow morning. Will wait and see.
In the meantime I contacted our carer team and asked for help over the next week. I’ll work out a new roster during school hours for Sarah (and possibly Summer if she’s not at school). I’m so glad we already have a great carer team with so much home and caring help. We are blessed! But there are plenty of unfilled gaps still. I just have to laugh – I’m sure it will work out – what can I do but laugh and take one day at a time.
To be completely honest, I also do a lot of trusting God. I don’t pray a heck of a lot about our problems (unless I’m in a group, and I can stay focused easier). But I do a heck of a LOT of trusting and checking in with God and listening. I know God’s got my back. He knows what we need. And he’s paving the way already. And he will take care of us. And that helps us rest easy. As an aside, it’s the little things you notice it with. Like dinner tonight – it just fell into place with minimal effort. Kris got some meat out and then told me. So I fried the rissoles and then remembered we had left over veggies. Got prompts from ‘you know who’ to mix it all together with sour cream with the cut up rissoles. And it worked. And everyone loved it. Easy peasy lemon squeezy Japanesy as my daughter Sarah says. (No offense to the Japanese -it just rhymes). So me and God are good pals. And we do life together.
So back to today…
Summer came home in a good mood with the carer. She had a good time at after school care too. Phew. Good to hear. I came downstairs and she was quietly and calmly colouring in at the table. A favourite activity. I started cooking some rissoles in the frypan and relaxed somewhat. I even started to gently sing, ‘at the sound of your name”, at which point I was rudely interrupted by Summer yelling, ‘no singing’. She then shoved the pencil case right off across the table, with pencils scattering over the floor. I stopped singing.
It wasn’t the moment to teach her to clean up her mess. She’s too unpredictably volatile at the moment. I’m not willing to pay the price. We need peace in our home. And there’s no point me telling her off for being rude or self-centric. She doesn’t get it, and not only does it not change anything, but it heightens her and things escalate. The best thing I could do was be silent and hope she resettled herself. She did. After a few minutes I discreetly moved to pick up the pencils, not wanting to disturb her focus.
I got back to cooking with a knot in my stomach. All quiet drawing for a while. Phew! Then a sudden table slam. What was that? I don’t know. I considered getting headphones, in case of further outbursts. But she stayed settled after that. I slowly brought her dinner over and in slow gentle motion put it off to her side. Close enough to be within reach. Far enough away not to threaten her. She smiled and said ‘thank you mummy, yum’. Ooh that’s good. I like that.
I called the boys down for dinner and directed them to eat in the loungeroom in front of the fire. They probably thought it was to take advantage of the fire. But no, it was to avoid triggering Summer, by them being in the same room and making noise and movement. I didn’t tell them that – I don’t want them to feel everything revolves around Summer. It all went well. Me and the boys had a nice dinner. Summer had a nice dinner and drawing. Kris and Sarah were out on a daddy daughter date.
Summer is still drawing like a champ, so I’ve snuck upstairs to write.
Kris has just arrived home.
Soon I get to transition Summer to toilet and possibly shower and later bed. Think of me. Hoping for the best! 😊