Summer had dental surgery. This was a snapshot of our day! Hope you enjoy the video.
Category Archives: Parenting
Chocolate Faces
We have some great carers that help us with our girls!! Jenny does cooking with the girls once or twice a week and today I’m pretty sure they made something with chocolate in it. Hoping some of it made it to the oven for us to eat later! 🙂
We have a range of carers on different days, to help with getting the girls ready in the morning and after school. Mary comes six mornings a week plus one afternoon plus is employed by our church. Truly a legend. Not all carers have worked out – it’s not an easy job – not for everyone. Knowing this makes us appreciate the support all the more. And especially we appreciate their love and care for the girls and the family. Their help makes a massive difference!
Summer and Mum Video
No Guilt
It’s a lovely feeling – the absence of guilt. Instead there’s freedom. And therefore joy. And relief.
Guilt is a horrible plague. It sucks the life away and keeps one in misery land. You can never achieve perfection and the guilt just rubs it in and rubs it in endlessly.
The guilty thoughts are based on truth so they are easy to embrace and believe. I should be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend, a better citizen. And so you should! Hahaha what a miserable answer! But you won’t be able to live up to your ideals no matter how hard you try.
Sometimes a perfect day appears. I’ve had them. I’m the perfect mother, responding with grace, wisdom, love, joy. Soothing everyone’s pain and dissolving arguments, cooking a great meal, perfecting household cleanliness and even managing sex at 11pm at night. So the standard is set and this must be maintained.
But it’s IMPOSSIBLE!
The next day you’re tired. You’re grumpy. You start off patient, but one of the kids tips you over too far and you yell. Then you feel guilty and so you act a bit kinder. But then later you feel guilty because you were too soft. You remember all the parenting rules you’re breaking and you feel guilty for that too.
I have a secret to tell. I’ve had God helping me he he he. And he’s an expert at taking away guilt. He’s been rather intent recently on bringing me to a place of freedom. It’s a really nice place to be. He gently challenges my ideals and teaches me to trust him and let stuff go. One thing at a time. He is pretty patient and very loving.
When I trust him to grow me I don’t have to feel guilty about how I am or am not being. I just focus on trusting him to bring me to where I need to be. He’s responsible. I just work with him and understand he has immense patience with me. I trust in his patience and in his love.
When I trust him to grow my kids, the pressure is off me. I’m not the ‘be all and end all’. Lots of people contribute to my kids’ development. And I see God’s hand directing things in their lives. Without this guilt, I’m a better and more loving mum. Still not perfect, but free. And I’m happy for my kids to have a free mum.
When I trust him to take care of my husband, I’m free from a lot of stress. Hahaha. That sounds really bad. But my interference never amounts to good anyway. My husband is way too free spirited and independent and very resistant of my attempts to bring him to my standards of perfection. And a good thing too. Hey, sounds like I’m talking from experience haha. Trusting God helps a lot.
When I trust him to direct me, I don’t have to feel guilty about what I am or am not doing. I’m free. And I know he directs and prompts me, so I can relax knowing I can trust him to steer the ship. My heart is set on him and walking in his ways. And I pray that he will keep me from falling. And I trust him and I don’t trust myself.
Perfect Scripture about guilt is this one: “Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). All our guilt has been wiped away. It got put on Jesus. That’s why he died. He did mighty thing in that moment so we could be free. When I put my trust in him, the guilt dissolves. He’s big enough to take it all. He’s big enough to handle my trust. So I am free.
20 Simple Mummy Helps
- Headphones
Why get stressed out by ongoing kid noise when you can wear headphones? It took me a while to cotton onto this one. I was too afraid that I would miss hearing something important, e.g. a safety issue. But the kids are old enough now to come to me if needed. And I can still hear noise, it’s just everything is muffled. Most of the time I don’t wear them, but when I need a break, or I need energy to go a little longer, they make all the difference.
- iPads
Thanks to Anglicare we got two iPads for Summer and Sarah. I’m not a fan of too much screen-time. My ideal is about half an hour a day during the week, and maybe an hour on each day of the weekend. I don’t live up to this ideal when I am overtired. And especially with Summer, if I don’t have carer support, the iPad is a big help for her and for me and for the rest of the family. Not feeling guilty, just accepting the season is not ideal.
- Rules
Kiara, Josiah and Micah love screen-time. But they’re not allowed their quota unless their jobs are done and their room is tidy. I love this rule. In the holidays I get to hear them having conversations – let’s tidy our rooms and do our jobs and then let’s play Minecraft. Hahaha. No intervention from me. Sorted! During term, there’s not so much free time, so they care less about screen-time and rooms can get messy. And I can get grumpy.
- 20 things
Micah can get overwhelmed with a messy room. After all he is only five. I caught onto a good thing again the other day. Recycling strategies that worked for the older two. “Just pick up twenty things then have a break. Then do another twenty things.” So every now and then during the day I’d say, do another twenty. He was pretty happy with this after seeing how easy the first twenty was. And then he became pretty quick. In the end he sped up as he wanted screen-time.
- Music
In the mornings I put on my favourite songs. For me it is a Youtube mix of Hillsong, Bethel and some other worship songs. Love it. It sets the atmosphere and helps me stay nicer.
- Chocolate
A couple of pieces of chocolate in the afternoon make me feel happy. But not too much, or they make my body feel depressed. Note to self.
- Nanna nap
I used to rest for 15 minutes every four hours. That was a life-line when the kids were pre-school age. Even if they were crawling on me I lay horizontal for 15 minutes. I set the timer. The only reason I did it was because God told me too and I love him so I obeyed. Now I have 20-30 minutes rest in the afternoon. Lovely, lovely, lovely. No guilts. Good for me. Good for everyone.
- Down time
Basic for some. It wasn’t for me. I used to work all the time, except for my scheduled rests (as above). I hated wasting time. This year I’ve learned to have down time. iPad game, puzzles, sitting and staring, eating, chilling, dancing, cuddling kids. The only reason I learned this, was because I felt God impressing on my heart that he wanted me to learn this, and I felt his pleasure at my freedom in this. Otherwise I would have written it off as time wasting and felt guilty. It took a while, but now I feel free and happy. Sometimes I have a LOT of down time.
- Checking in with God
I regularly check in with the Holy Spirit to see if he’s saying something, or to feel how he’s reacting. He often gives me ideas or promptings or confidence. Or if I feel unease, I wait and don’t do what I was thinking. This helps me more than anything else. He has knowledge and awareness that is way beyond me and my capabilities. It saves a lot of problems checking in with him.
- Lovely things
I’m gathering more and more things that I LOVE around the house. Hanging fake vines around our arch entrance, a big sky sticker on the ceiling, red chair in my office, beautiful pictures on the wall. I’ve found a new freedom in decorating. Instead of wondering what is stylish or culturally acceptable, I’m asking a different question – do I LOVE it? Now I feel happy every time I walk into each room. Joy producing.
- Sex with the husband
Definitely not with anyone else. That would wreck things. My friend describes sex as the glue for relationships. It eases tensions and fosters connection. Fun too 🙂
- Blue sky and white clouds
Imagine if it was grey all day, every day. Nope. We get ever changing sky scapes of exquisite artistry. Better than pictures on the wall. Now my kids have got the sky joy bug, pointing them out to me on car trips! I pulled over to take photos, but alas the pictures were lousy.
- After school care
I didn’t want to put any of my kids in after school care. That was for those who had to, because they worked. My attitude was that my kids need to be home after a full day at school. They need to be with me. This year I gave after school care a go for my two boys, Micah and Josiah in term 2. I only did it because if felt prompted to try it out, and wondered if it was the Holy Spirit prompting me. I was pleased to discover it was really cheap after the rebates were applied. And I was even happier to discover that the boys LOVED it! Way more than I expected. They got upset when I picked them up too early, so I worked out the best time so they were happy. This made a huge difference to my afternoon routine. Summer and Sarah are now able to come home to a quieter house and settle in with the carer. The boys get to have fun with other kids and don’t have to endure the stress of Summer’s entrance to the home. And I get longer to rest and recover from the adrenal crash I had last year. And my husband can work longer if needed and not stress about coming home to help with the kids. Wow. So simple, but making a big difference.
- The tuna meal.
One time when preparing to cook dinner I didn’t know what to do. I checked in with the Holy Spirit and got an idea for some ingredients. I didn’t think it sounded very nice, but thought I’d try it, as I’ve learned to trust Holy Spirit more than myself. Can of tuna, homebrand packet of chicken noodle soup, curry powder, coconut cream, frozen peas, frozen corn. Thrown in frypan together and heated. Served with cooked pasta. Five minutes to prepare and cook. HEALTHY. CHEAP. Actually VERY YUMMY. Well for me and the kids. (Kristin not so keen). In fact the kids REALLY like it! (Maybe your family won’t). But this has been a lifesaver when I’m over it and realise OH NO I HAVE TO COOK DINNER!!!
- Hot showers
LONG hot shower. No guilt. My Father God owns and supplies the water and pays the bills. Big sigh of relief for number 15!
- The Library
Three of my kids love reading. The older two get 40 books each and then disappear. More peace in the house hooray! Good for them. Good for everyone.
- The Salvos
Guilt free clothes shopping. More for your money. Half price on certain things on certain days. Today I found the perfect picture frame for a print I was going to have to get custom framed. $6 instead of $60? Lots of joy over that one!
- Divide and conquer
On the weekend Kristin takes Summer out with him in the car. I stay home with the other four. Or we swap it around. Changing it up gives everyone space and variety and definitely helps keep the peace.
- Buffer time
We used to be late most of the time. Now we are not perfect, but we are significantly improved. My maths is a little different. Instead of deciding the time we leave based on the best case scenario, I add in 5-15 minutes of buffer time. It makes all the difference.
- Twaddle
I get a bit silly sometimes, especially with the kids. I remember reading somewhere that playfulness is not friends with anxiety. As God has been cultivating more and more freedom in me, it is spilling out in fun stuff. Writing twaddle, dancing silly, pulling faces with the kids, just having fun. Definitely need and want more of this!
Love, Freedom, Truth
There’s so much wrestling going on in my mind. Love, freedom, truth. Over and over.
God is love. His love is SO good. It’s beyond our human experience. The Scripture oozes with examples and direct conveyances of his love. “How wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18); “this love that surpasses knowledge” (Ephesians 3:19); “this is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down his life for us (1 John 3:16). Etc, etc. Just google and you will find a GOLD MINE.
It hurts to know even a smidgeon of this love, and to know that so many have ABSOLUTELY no idea of the depth and the richness and the spiritually overwhelming goodness of this. It’s actually upsetting!
And the life giving Scriptures tell us that the world will know who Jesus’ disciples are by their love for one another (John 13:35).
That one upsets me too. Even though God has placed his love in our hearts, we often do a really lousy job of conveying this love. When we are in his presence it is easy. But then we can so easily slip into our old bad habits. We get cross, we get grumpy, we are not loving. SO frustrating!!!
But then we get his love dose. And when this happens, the outcome can be amazing. We can overlook the judgments, the insults, the kids’ bad behaviour, the stress. And love conquers all. It actually does. In moments like these, our soul is deepened in God’s strength. We become mighty overcomers.
I remember when my three youngest children were milling around me in the kitchen. Summer (the one with microcephaly and autism) was agitated, Sarah was whinging. They were all noisy and demanding. I felt pulled, I felt stressed. And it was after a really stressful car trip with all five kids, having to sit next to Summer and manage her behaviour full-time for about 50 minutes. I was really stretched! I felt like I was about to snap, like a war was going on inside me. And then something rose up from deep within me. Something erupted that shocked me. A groan came from my inner being and I unleashed the words, “I LOVE YOU SUMMER!” The kids looked at me shocked. And then I swiftly moved and embraced Summer and poured out love from my heart all over her. It just oozed from every pore of my being. There was such joy and freedom. And I knew this was the place that I wanted to live life every day. I had energy to move forward. I didn’t want to escape anymore. It transformed that moment for me and the kids.
If only we could live in this zone 24/7. How different life would be! I believe God gives tastes of heaven, of his goodness of his love. And then he teaches us how to live like this more and more.
And then I think of truth. God’s truth. Not the twaddle of relativism that we’ve been spoon-fed by our culture over the last few decades. I love God’s truth. It is liberating. God’s ways are the ways of freedom. If only I could shout from the city’s billboards how amazing truth is. Some luscious Scriptures come to mind… “Jesus is the way, the truth and the life” (John 14:6); “then you will know the truth and truth will set you free” (John 8:32).
But truth on its own can often come across so weakly for those who do not agree. There is so much variety of opinion in the world, that to talk about truth from the one who made it, is not received so well. And it can come across as hateful, especially when you quote verses on homosexuality, etc. It makes me sad that what is so precious and so life-giving, can seem so corrupt. And it is not!
I wrestle with how do we present this truth. I see Christians who just tell it like it is, straight as an arrow. And I see Christians who despise this approach and emphasise the need to come from love and no judgment. I look at the Scripture and I see a loving God who is straight down the line with his speech. But he oozes love 24/7 and so when it comes, it comes from a place of love.
One thing I have learnt from being married, is that skill is important to some extent. I can learn relationship skills, I can learn better ways to phrase things so that conflict goes down better. This is hard but can be worthwhile. But what is SO much more effective is when my heart is in the right place. When I ooze God’s love and I’ve been in his presence and my heart is wanting freedom for my husband as well as myself, without condemnation or judgment or unrighteous anger, THEN IT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT and it doesn’t matter how I say it, because what is read is far beyond words. Maybe not all of the time. But even if it is not received, I am still free. I am not fuming. I am full of love and joy. And it is certainly a lot easier for the other person to hear.
This seems all wonderfully ideal and there is lots of truth here. But I’m not 24/7 living out Jesus. And so I wrestle, with love, truth and freedom.
One thing I will finish with. When I have spoken hard stuff to people and it’s come from my own sense of timing, it hasn’t worked very well. I’ve not seen good fruit. But when the Holy Spirit has prompted me to speak hard stuff, and even though I’m scared I do it, it’s completely different. It’s been received, not necessarily followed, but seen as love.
At the end of the day, I conclude I trust God and I want him to grow me. And I want him to direct me. Because his way works. And mine doesn’t. And I want to speak his truth with love and power. That I hunger for so much!
Tithing is Fun
I love paying tithes! You can probably guess two of my reasons. But the third might be a bit of a shock…
(For those who don’t know what tithing is – it is setting aside 10% of one’s income for God).
- I love God and want to put him first in every area of my life. It would be miserable to hold the area of finances back. I would feel like I wasn’t trusting God or honouring him. He’s so precious it is a joy to put him first. And tithing is a tangible way to express that. One that costs. One that is a sacrifice.
- I like giving tithes to the church because it is my local spiritual home. So I help pay the bills. There’s a sense of honour and rightness in this. A sense of being an adult and taking responsibility. I like being this kind of person.
- He he he this is the funny one. I also use tithes to have a party! Now I need to establish some context here…
One of my passions is to know God’s ways and walk in them. I read the Bible with eyes that seek to discern his ways and his heart, even if it seems to contradict the traditions I have been taught. Some times I spot things in the Bible that seem controversial because of the cultural or religious parameters I currently experience. I meditate on such Scriptures, trying to discern the difference between God’s thinking and ours, and what needs to change. Even Old Testament passages on laws that no longer apply in New Testament times, give me insight into how God thinks, what he values and what works.
Well I found a passage on tithing that really got me thinking. Have a squiz…
Deuteronomy 14:22-28:
“Be sure to set aside a tenth of all that your fields produce each year. Eat the tithe of your grain, new wine and olive oil, and the firstborn of your herds and flocks in the presence of the Lord your God at the place he will choose as a dwelling for his Name, so that you may learn to revere the Lord your God always. But if that place is too distant and you have been blessed by the Lord your God and cannot carry your tithe (because the place where the Lord will choose to put his Name is so far away), then exchange your tithe for silver, and take the silver with you and go to the place the Lord your God will choose. Use the silver to buy whatever you like: cattle, sheep, wine or other fermented drink, or anything you wish. Then you and your household shall eat there in the presence of the Lord your God and rejoice. And do not neglect the Levites living in your towns, for they have no allotment or inheritance of their own.
At the end of every three years, bring all the tithes of that year’s produce and store it in your towns, so that the Levites (who have no allotment or inheritance of their own) and the foreigners, the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.”
I have to admit. This one baffled me, as I’ve never heard it taught before. I’d only ever heard of people paying tithes to the church, or some people would give tithes to charities or missionaries. But here in Scripture the people were instructed to eat their tithes, to have a party, a celebration. And no small celebration at that. A whole year’s worth of tithes!!! And they all did this it seems at the same place and at the same time. What a ginormous incredible lavish celebration this would have been! But God didn’t want to leave out the religious leaders (Levites) – they got to celebrate too. And of course every third year, the tithe went to providing for the religious leaders and the needy.
But the primary purpose of the tithe seemed to be for feasting and rejoicing in God’s presence, with the whole community, to teach them to revere the Lord always.
How incredibly exciting. A party of epic proportions. Wow!!!
This was doing my head in. I was thinking. What does this say about God? What was he aiming to achieve in this, that can teach us practical wisdom for now? What benefits are we missing out on by not doing this today? Here is my thought journey…
- Shock! Imagine spending the tithes on yourself. Is that allowed? It feels sacrilegious. But it’s in the Bible (God’s idea).
- Shock! Imagine spending the tithes on food and drink which won’t last. Here today, gone tomorrow. Is that wise use of funds? Wasteful? But it’s in the Bible (God’s idea).
- Shock! But then the church wouldn’t get enough money. They need money to operate. I share in this responsibility. (Yes! God covered this every third year, it’s included. More on my personal response later).
- What’s God trying to achieve? What would be the benefits of doing this?
- God is put first, he’s the focus, he’s revered, he’s obeyed (same as for current tithing).
- Celebration and rejoicing is extremely important for the health of a community, and even the mental health of individuals.
- The lavish, generous spread of food and drink speaks of a lavish and generous of God. We participate in his nature. (I think it will be like this in heaven).
- It shows other nations how blessed God’s people are, that they can celebrate in such happy and lavish fashion.
- It gives children a really positive view of God as generous, as provider, as someone to be excited about. Parties and food and excitement speak volumes to kids.
- Being a follower of God is not seen as boring. Followers are not seen as dry or stingy.
- It sets an example of generosity and freedom and celebration. It builds these things into the culture.
- I honestly felt the Holy Spirits’ excitement when exploring this. I felt his joy and his delight in my awakening and his desire for me and my family to experience this.
But… my heart is also to share financial responsibility for my local church home, as expressed in point number one at the top. I value this and consider it very important and necessary.
So I talked with my husband and we decided to continue our current level of tithing to our local church. And any additional income we received, we would put aside a tithe for an annual celebration before God. Again I really felt the Holy Spirit’s pleasure and excitement for this.
So last November, our family of seven had its first tithe celebration. Now this was an event! We have never taken the whole family out to a restaurant before. One, it’s too hard with our middle child who has microcephaly and autism. And two, I hate wasting money, especially as we’re not loaded. My husband and I rarely go to restaurants for this reason, so I couldn’t fathom paying not only for the two of us, but then pay for five kids as well!!! Yes, I know – stingy mentality!
So this was a Jack family first!!! And we had to find a way to make it work for our special needs daughter, or it would be a disaster. With this in mind we chose an international all you can eat buffet restaurant. This was not only perfect for lavish celebration – food everywhere and as much as you want. But it was also conducive for our middle child Summer – she could wander around and be a yo-yo at the table, and it wouldn’t matter. I invited the Oma too, so she could look out for Summer so we could all relax.
I’m telling you, the kids were beside themselves with excitement. When I first told them what we were going to do, they were counting down, they were telling their friends. They couldn’t wait. And I read the Scripture, I told them we were celebrating before God, that we were so grateful for his provision. Wow. Look how much God has blessed us, that we can have this lavish feast!!!
We were all agog at the table when we sat down to lunch. We said grace and then we went for it! I was going to advise the kids to have savoury first, but then I thought – what the heck – let the kids have whatever they want and as much as they want. Well, little five year old Micah went straight for the marshmallows and lollies. He awed at the chocolate fondue fountain. The dessert bar got lots of visits from him and the older two. Summer and Sarah, our two special needs girls were very happy too, but perhaps a little overwhelmed. They ate a bit, but needed helping. Summer went wandering around the Christmas tree that was up already one month before Christmas. She did laps. But nobody minded.
We had such joy! And there was no stress about the bill!! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Oh the joy!
I’m telling you. I was so grateful to God for this experience. I’m crying as I’m writing. I felt such freedom and joy and marvel at how amazing, big, out of this world God is.
The kids have been asking when the next celebration is. They want it twice a year. I’ve put it in the diary as an annual event. They have to wait. Next time I want to make a week of it! Glory to God!!!
Microcephaly Musings
My husband and I have five children, two with microcephaly (both girls).
I’m finding myself grateful today that one of the girls is partially toilet trained. At seven years of age, that’s definitely behind the average, but she’s still ahead of her nine year old sister. The reason I’m glad is because she really knows how to do number two. I’m telling you that it’s a myth that we all poo once a day. No siree. It can be many, many times. And it’s not fun cleaning that up for a seven or nine year old. My close friend said to me one day after cleaning an accident that she will never ever complain about having to change kitty litter ever again. I’m telling you – I am a blessing to my friends!
You get to learn lots of patience in our household. I get to practice saying the same instructions, not just once or twice but over and over again. ‘Let’s put your shoes on. C’mon Summer time to put your shoes on. Look, here are your shoes. Look – pink shoes. Shoes make your feet warm. Let’s put your shoes on. We need shoes to keep our feet safe. Shoes on. C’mon. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes on.’ And I get to hear responses over and over again. It’s fun to hear how a toy is blue. Blue. Blue. (Yes, it’s blue). Blue. Blue. (Yes, blue). Blue. Blue. We get plenty of time to learn things and practice things, especially patience. Then it’s even more fun when the five year old starts complaining about the repetition and having a meltdown, which causes the nine year old to have a meltdown, which involves a punch to the seven year old, which sets her off too. Then the eleven year old yells at them to quiet down, which helps SO much. And thankfully the thirteen year old is in her room reading. Meanwhile mum is wearing headphones which helps her stay in happy land a little longer.
My friends laugh at me for my ‘calm’ voice. I hold it together, keeping the atmosphere smooth, ‘Summer, it’s breakfast time. That’s OK you don’t have to have porridge. You want yoghurt, sure. Here’s your yoghurt. You don’t want it. No problem. Don’t push it. Gentle with the plate. It’s OK. You’re a blessing Summer. Mummy loves you.’ It’s all calm, no pushing angry buttons here. I’ve learnt from experience. Until the eleven year old whinges and I’m like, ‘Be quiet’ (yelling). All in a split second, the façade drops. And then it’s (calmly) – ‘Summer you want yoghurt now. Good girl. Lovely eating. You don’t want it now. That’s OK. Don’t feed the dog. Sit down.’
I think our household would make excellent reality TV show viewing. Parents could all feel better about themselves and better about their challenges.
In the early days I read that kids with microcephaly are often very smiley and affectionate. Tick tick for our girls. Summer is so expressive with her love. She looks you in the eyes, she says ‘I love you mummy’ and sits on your lap and cuddles for ages. She strokes my head or my back. When I cry she wipes my tears and I get ministered to from her hugs. She has a gift that I can’t really comprehend, but I have been emotionally filled up on many occasions. Others have said the same. Once my husband took her to the supermarket and she saw a homeless man outside. She went up to him and gave him a hug. The man looked a little uncertain, but my husband nodded OK. Later after doing the shopping, she saw the man again and smiled. The man thanked my husband profusely saying it was such a long time since he had been hugged by a child. So innocent. So beautiful. I’m amazed at the gift she is.
Sarah is just such a sweety. I feel like I’m holding a rose and breathing in a beautiful fragrance. She giggles and smiles constantly. She’s naughty too and finds it funny. I’m not sure if developmentally she really understands yet. I can get so frustrated but she just smiles and giggles and says ha-ha in that annoying sing song fashion. She picked that up somewhere and hasn’t let it go. She’s more shy than Summer, but she’s got no problems with volume. Being the number four child, I think she learnt to shout instead of speak.
That’s enough musings for today. More another time…