Category Archives: Love

Summer and the Microphone

Autism, Church, Emotions, Freedom, Laughing, Love, Microcephaly, Parenting, Special Needs, Spiritual, , , , ,

This morning was rather eventful at church.

I had been in two minds whether to go. I was rostered on to sing in the band, but my energy had taken a dive this week and I was too exhausted to get there at 8am for rehearsal and wasn’t even sure whether I would have the energy for the whole church service. I was really bummed. I REALLY love singing. Kris was at Bunnings for a fundraiser BBQ with Josiah. And so the backup plan was to send our carer with Kiara, Sarah and Micah, and I would stay home with Summer. But I HATE missing church. If I couldn’t be there to sing, at least I would be there to WORSHIP. So the plan moved to coming for the first half hour, then leaving.

It got better. One of the young adults was asked to help in the special needs room with Summer and Sarah, to help our carer. So I didn’t have to leave early after all. She did a brilliant job. But as often happens, Summer decided she was ready to leave, before anyone else was ready for her to leave. It was 11:30am, after being in the room 90 minutes, so she did pretty well. But when Summer wants to leave, woe to whoever wants to stop her! The carer rapidly sent me a text to warn me. I didn’t see it until later, as we were all standing for the final song and altar call.

As I was worshipping with my eyes shut, I heard a familiar sound from far away, ‘mummy’. I’m well trained to respond quickly, and I must admit, with panic. What was happening? Where was she? Uh-oh. After a quick scan, I discovered her at the front grabbing the shoulder of a guy who was being prayed for. I think she thought it was Kris, as he is a similar size and similar hair. I was quickly out of my seat charging to the front, whilst simultaneously chiding myself for not being more discreet.

By this point Summer had moved on, wandered across on the floor in front of the stage, unsure where to go. I caught her attention and thought that would be it. Mummy found!

But no! Microphone found!

She spotted it on the front row, where the preacher had left it, in order to pray for those at the front. With speed, and before I could do anything, she moved to the microphone and with glee picked it up. Horror and humour set in. My face doesn’t hide emotion very well. I could only imagine the entertainment my demeanour would have given anyone looking on. I need discretion practice.

Summer wandered back to the middle of the front area with the microphone, holding it up to her mouth, then checking it, holding it back to her mouth. Then she studied it carefully looking for the switch. Uh-oh. I was in a bind. What do I do? Knowing what was coming next, I looked back at the sound guys. I don’t think they knew. I wanted to run back there and urge them to turn the sound off, but that would waste precious time and they might not know which microphone to switch off. I could only hope someone else would take the baton and do the right thing.

My brother Matthew to the rescue. Standing in the aisle, with purpose, I saw his position and gave him the cut throat sign. He headed straight to the back. In the meantime Summer had found the magic switch. Uh-oh. Did it have to happen right now? While everyone was praying? In such a holy and focused moment?

The switch was on. And she was live. I lunged and grabbed for the microphone. It was a dumb move. It was never going to end well. Of course she resisted and screamed loudly, right next to some poor soul being prayed for. I quickly let go and backed off to give her space. Thankfully the sound guys had done their thing and she was muted, after only 1 second of sound. She focused on checking that switch again.

I shuffled back to the front seat and smiled helplessly and knowingly at Darryl, who knew all to well. He and his family had spent many weekends hosting Summer at their house to give us a break. If anyone knew, he did.

I forgot myself and starting worshipping. It’s my default. I can’t help it. The music’s going. I can’t help it. Then I remembered myself and opened my eyes to check on Summer. The meeting leader, Chris was attempting to do the right thing and get that microphone back. Summer gave a snap, ‘No’ and then snapped back to her worship zone.

What can I say? This crazy mix. Summer defiant one moment, worshipping the next. Defiant. Worshipping. Defiant. Worshipping.

It kind of sums up what it’s like living with Summer.

Kris heard all about it. Four of the guys from church turned up at Bunnings. Kris was sharing with me later. He was crying. He was so touched at the love these guys had for Summer. Their pride in her. Their lack of embarrassment. I shared about the women’s response. Their humour, their love, their support. We both cried. We have a great church.

Summer took about 25 minutes to give the microphone back.

It talked to Niall, the sound guy. We have a plan. I’m buying Summer her own microphone. I’ll keep it in my handbag for next time. Hopefully for an easier switch. The photo, is the one I’ve ordered for her šŸ™‚

Scored

Emotions, Grateful, Inspiration, Joy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Spiritual, , , , , ,

Today God has so kindly allowed me to experience more fully what it is like to LOVE my family, instead of seeking my own good. I totally suspect God did it. I know he did.

I was sitting at the table playing a game with my husband and son. I was frustrated with the noise of the younger kids, irritated by my husband’s drumming fingers and my son’s exasperated noises. I felt like I didn’t want to be with them. And then I remembered how I had been choosing love with my husband, especially in moments where I was NOT inspired. And so I decided to choose love at the table in this moment. I started thinking, what would they want right now? I decided to play quietly, to speak kindly. It was like a gentle battle, of going back to my selfish ways, then choosing love. God made it easy for me.

Then at the end of the game, which I have played hundreds of times with different people over the course of my 42 year life, something happened that had NEVER happened before. The three of us ended up with identical scores – 195 each. We were all in disbelief. My husband took a photo and texted it to my dad, who also loves the game.

Afterwards I felt that the scores were a sign. A sign related to my choosing love. By choosing love, the three of us ended up level, equal. By choosing love, I did’t stand above in pride or judgment. We ended up all winning.

As I came upstairs and sat at my desk I was full of joy. Light, refreshing joy (not happiness). It just flowed through me, effortless.

I am so grateful to God for this experience. I long to remember to live this everyday. I know I need to practice it. New things take time to learn. And I know God will continue to give me the grace to learn this. He knows how much I long to live fully from love, not self ambition.

Four Glimpses of Possible

Anxiety, Autism, Emotions, Excited, Freedom, God, Grateful, Inspiration, Joy, Laughing, Love, Mental health, Microcephaly, Parenting, Peace, Special Needs, Spiritual, Stress, , , , ,

God gives me glimpses of things. Of what is possible. Of what it would feel like to be transformed by him in some specific way…

  1. How it feels to have absolute peace in my gut and how this dissolves stress in those around me
  2. How it feels to react with powerful love instead of anxiety in stressful situations
  3. How it feels to have an absence of pride
  4. How it feels to have body and mind vitality, through eating the right diet for me

These glimpses have been momentary, but profound. Tastes of what is possible. So now Iā€™m wrecked for anything less. How can you be satisfied with the ordinary when youā€™ve experienced freedom in a certain area?

Iā€™ve heard countless sermons about having peace, of having love, of having humility and of eating right. But nothing has motivated me like the experience of feeling the momentary freedom of what it is actually like to live in this zone. Honestly it became real, incredible, beyond my ordinary dreams of what is possible. They say Jesus is the best. Haha he actually is. And way better than you think.

So what do the ravings of this Jesus loony amount to? How did the glimpses happen? What did they feel like? OK one at a timeā€¦

  1. Peace in my gut

With five kids, two with special needs, the stress was extreme and had impacted my body to breakdown point. I lost my energy, like someone pulled the plug. My husband stopped work to take care of the kids while I tried to recover. After six weeks he couldnā€™t cope so we reached out for a DHHS package for carer support. Six months later we were operating with carers in the home 15 hours per week. My husband was back at work. But the stress didnā€™t disappear. And I was in a weakened state to handle it.

It got to the point, where wise advise from a close family member was to put Summer (our middle daughter with moderate intellectual disability and autism) in a home for 6-12 months so we could recover.

I was desperate. A dear saint urged me to rest in Jesus.

So I determined to try.

I sat in my lounge chair. I was too tired to pray. I just shut my eyes and sank down deep into a posture of rest. But different from normal. I imagined myself resting in Jesus. And then I remember that Jesus has no weights for me, but wants to unburden me. Then I relax deeper, with relief that I didnā€™t have to strive. Then I start to laugh and cry and laugh and cry. It just kept bubbling out. My friends call it craughing.

I did this on and off for three days. I would feel myself getting filled with feelings of relief, and of spiritual living water going inside my gut. Hard to imagine I know. It wasnā€™t long periods of time. I would get distracted, then concentrate again and do the inner posture of resting in Jesus. Trying to do this did nothing. It was when I knew Jesus was my rest, that the faith switch went on, and then the craughing would start. So good!!!

After three days, I felt peace in my gut. It felt wonderful. I canā€™t describe what a relief that feeling was. All I remember is always feeling uptight in my middle. But I couldnā€™t find any uptight feeling, even though I was looking hard for it. Just peace. And this feeling of living water.

So then the kids came home and I braced myself. No help from carers or hubby that night. How would I cope! Well the kids came in all manic, bubbling over through the door. They came near me and I watched their energy dissolve. They became settled and at peace without me saying a word. Iā€™ll never forget that. Iā€™ve read about that. But I actually experienced it.

Thatā€™s what I need every day. God give me that glimpse back. God help me build that as consistent reality.

  1. Love overflowing without any striving

Another day, Iā€™d had a full-on hour managing Summer in the context of a car trip with all five kids, after an outing in the city where Summer refused to go back to the car. Then I got home and the three youngest ones were full-on. I felt the stress and anxiety peaking. This battle started raging inside me. I was at ā€˜too muchā€™ point. My mind was telling me to go upstairs and hide and tell my husband Iā€™d had enough. But something in my spirit was battling this. I felt it. I stayed put, feeling and watching the inner battle from outside myself. My inner spirit was wanting to overcome. It was wanting to rise above the status quo of stress overload. This almighty groan emerged from deep within me, shocking me and my kids. And I burst forward to the kids with arms outstretched and blurted out ā€˜I love you Summerā€™. And then I poured love out all over the three kids. I felt filled with immense joy and love. I was overflowing, without stress or anxiety. The situation was transformed. I was transformed. I didnā€™t have to rest and recuperate from stress. I was energised and inspired.

I need and want this all the time. The status quo is so ordinary. This was extraordinary.

  1. Absence of pride

When living in Sydney I had this moment. Totally unplanned. I felt the absence of pride. I know that sounds weird. But it was very distinct. I had an immense clarity of mind and uncluttered panoramic vision. I could see far and wide in my spirit, without cloudedness or confusion. I realised in this moment that this was the space I needed to live in, in order to make wise decisions in ministry and if I ever wanted to lead effectively in any sphere. I willed the clarity to stay. But after maybe 5-10 seconds it left and I went back to my immersion in my own personal level of pride. Which as a continual presence, becomes unnoticed and normal. But now I noticed it. This robber. This thief. This pride! How I despised it and wanted it gone. It clouded my vision. I couldnā€™t see very far ahead. The difference was immense. Like trying to walk in a fog.

This experience prompted me to pray on three occasions in my life for God to do whatever it would take to get rid of pride. Within a day or week after praying each of these prayers, I subsequently experienced the three most humbling, difficult and painful events/seasons of my life. One day I may share these stories. One of these was the adrenal crash I have referred to. This was the least painful.

Before praying the second time, I experienced the glimpse of the absence of pride again. It was in our ensuite in Dingley Village. In that moment I recalled the glimpse I had experienced years earlier and savoured the moment, wishing it would stay forever. That gave me the courage and motivation to pray the second time for God to get rid of any remaining pride. I wanted to live in that space. I donā€™t want to live in any other.

I have learned much, but I am still on the path.

  1. Body and mind vitality

God led me on a fast. I hate fasting. I get really grumpy when I donā€™t eat. And I canā€™t afford to be a grumpy mum. The demands are strenuous enough without adding that in the mix. So I decided I would fast everything except fruit and vegetables.

After one week, I felt amazing. I guess it was like a de-tox. But I was starving. I did a little complaint to the Holy Spirit about this and I felt him say to add rice. I was happy. For the next two weeks I had rice and fruit and vegetables. I felt full and I felt great. Then in the last week unexpectedly I felt him say to add meat, then a few days later to add eggs, then on the last day to add cheese.

My body felt clean on the inside. It felt refreshed. My mind felt clear and uncluttered. I felt alive in my body.

The day after I finished the fast, I concluded that God never let me eat flour or sugar.

I decided I would like to continue eating like this.

I failed and went back to my old ways. But I never forgot how good I felt and have wanted it ever since.

Last year I gave up flour (mostly) and made it a lifestyle. Itā€™s now normal for me. Then in November I watched ā€˜That Sugar Filmā€™ and that gave me the impetus to drop sugar. I went cold turkey and I donā€™t want to go back. I love being sugar free. My emotions are lighter. No depressed feelings. My head is less clouded. No cravings.

Big wins dropping flour and sugar. But I still need to have a higher proportion of vegetables, to experience the reality of the earlier fast where God taught me how to eat. Isnā€™t he smart. He knows my body better than any doctor. And he knows yours too. We are all different.

So Iā€™m not fully there yet, but Iā€™m on the path. Iā€™m seeing change. Iā€™m building one step at a time. And the glimpse is becoming a reality.

Conclusion

So just recently I had this awesome thought. God has given me glimpses of magnificence spiritual transformations ā€“ peace, love and absence of pride. Maybe, just maybe, these also can become my everyday reality, rather than one-off tantalising experiences.

If I follow the logic of the food experience, then it is just a matter of taking small steps every day, in order to build a lifestyle, which then becomes my everyday experience. I can do this!

So Iā€™m starting with the peace in the gut. Iā€™m practicing this every day ā€“ 20 minutes X 3. This is doable. I already have 20 X 3 as my normal rest routine, which I have been practicing for years. Now I just add Jesus to the rest in this same routine.

Iā€™m going to win. Iā€™m going to overcome. God has shown me how. And I just have to decide to do it ā€“ and I have – and then do the hard yards ā€“ and I am.

Iā€™m going to be the peace queen. Not a pride statement here haha. Just a joy statement. Hehehehehehe. The peace queen!

And then wait until I become the love lady.

And then ā€“ wow ā€“ the absence of pride. I donā€™t know to walk that journey yet. Iā€™m praying God builds humility more and more. He can do it. He can. He can. He doesnā€™t give glimpses for nothing.

Itā€™s awesome walking with Jesus. He knows the path. And his path is brilliant and full of surprises that are out of this world. He gives glimpses to keep us going.

What glimpses does he have for you? What is he wanting to build in you? What has he done already?

Love to all

Your Sixth Sense (Better Than Sex)

Angry, Church, Emotions, Excited, God, Grateful, Inspiration, Joy, Laughing, Love, Peace, Spiritual, , , ,

You have an amazing hidden ability. You might not be aware of this yet, but you have a sixth sense. What is it? Are you using it? Have you thought about its possibilities?

Your sixth sense is the ability to sense the atmosphereā€¦

on TWO levelsā€¦

the emotional atmosphere and the spiritual atmosphere (better than sex, more later).

Everybody has this ability. But not everybody pays attention to it. And it is attention that hones your ability.

The Emotional Atmosphere

Have you ever walked into a room and immediately noticed tension? You donā€™t know what happened, but you know something is really off! Perhaps there was a heated argument. Perhaps the people in the room are just seething with unspoken anger. It feels very different to walking into a room where people are happy or excited!

Part of our mood awareness comes from visual cues, such as the expression on peopleā€™s faces and their body posture. But our perception goes beyond this. I put it to you, that even with a blindfold on, many of you would still sense mood, if the emotions were pronounced enough.

Some people are better atmosphere perceivers than others. That comes down to natural ability and how much you have developed the skill. Thatā€™s like anything in life. Some people are naturally very gifted at music, for example, but everyone can still develop a degree of skill, and hone it with practice.

For some of you, the ability to sense the emotional atmosphere may be virtually non-existent. Perhaps you grew up in a household where this wasnā€™t valued or acknowledged, so you never paid attention to what you were sensing. Perhaps you disregard your perceptions, as they are subjective, they cannot be measured scientifically like vision or hearing, etc.

I agree that our sixth sense is subjective. Accuracy in diagnosing emotional mood isnā€™t always precise ā€“ but with practice and skill, reliability can increase. This sense shouldnā€™t be discounted – it should be cultivated and respectfully judged. It has enormous usefulness in both one-on-one interactions and groups environments, on a personal level, work level and societal level.

So far, what I have described is a common experience for many. But there is another level of atmosphere sensing that is completely different. It is SPIRITUAL. The difference is not understood until it is experienced, like trying to imagine colour, when you see in black and white.

Let me share my experienceā€¦

Sensing Spiritual Atmosphere

Our church has a lively worship time in the service. A band and songs, like those sung by Hillsong. This creates a certain atmosphere which is awesome. But this is NOT what Iā€™m talking about. I can sing along, I can dance, I can lift my hands and enjoy the atmosphere. But again, this is NOT what Iā€™m talking about.

Sometimes during the worship time, all of a sudden, sometimes unexpectedly, I sense the presence of God. THIS is what Iā€™m talking about!!!

How do I describe this?

Itā€™s weighty.

Itā€™s like a charged atmosphere, except that it contains LIFE.

And this is a big difference. Let me repeat ā€“ it has LIFE. This life is the presence of a beingā€¦ a personā€¦ of God himself.

In this moment I can experience a lot of emotions ā€“ awe, a sense of being washed over, of being cleansed, an awareness of the goodness and purity of God. I donā€™t want to be anywhere else. I never want the moment to end. I cling to God in this moment. I revel in who he is. I partake of him. Sometimes I erupt in laughter, sometimes in crying, sometimes a mixture of both. I feel like rivers of living water are flowing in my being. This is glorious peoples. Nothing can compare to this.

And oh to worship him. To lift him up. With every part of my being in complete agreement. There is a rightness. A peace. An inner YES that screams out and becomes louder than any negativity or cloud. It is my place of rest. Iā€™ve found my tribe. Iā€™ve found my home.

And other people whoā€™ve experienced God say the same thing. I hear their description and I go YEP ā€“ youā€™ve met the Father! Youā€™ve met Jesus.

And I donā€™t just experience this at church. When I connect with God at homeā€¦ anywhereā€¦ the more time I spend with him, the more I experience his presence. It doesnā€™t happen all the time, but over the years, as I have been pursuing God more, this has been increasing.

Please excuse me for this next comparison, but I want to emphasise how awesome experiencing God is. It is better than sex. It is better than great sex. It is better than ultimate fulfilment sex. Sex brings physical pleasure and the ecstasy of emotionally blurring with another, going to a heightened state of being. It is amazing. But being in the presence of God is more amazing and more fulfilling.

Experiencing a taste of who God is and his life, is what our whole being longs for. We understand our sex drive and the fulfilment this can bring, particularly when in a healthy relationship. But many of us donā€™t understand our drive for God. He is our ultimate source of fulfilment. Every core of our being becomes alive and energised in an encounter with him. He is transforming!

I canā€™t emphasise enough how knowing God is not just intellectual or emotional. It is also deeply spiritual. And this spiritual experience is tangible and available for everyone!

God wants to reveal himself to us. Why donā€™t you ask him to. Heā€™s waitingā€¦ with love and forgiveness like an ocean.

ā€œYou will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heartā€ (Jeremiah 29:13).

Outings With Summer – Note To Self

Autism, Emotions, Joy, Laughing, Love, Microcephaly, Parenting, Special Needs, , , , , ,

summer-shopping-bear-2

  1. Have fun. Every aberration to the social norm is an exciting and stimulating experience.
  2. When shopping, keep the ‘to do’ list short.
  3. Make the primary goal joy, not ticking boxes.
  4. Develop an appreciation for looking at random details for a prolonged time, e.g. the colour of a sign.
  5. Look ahead for ride on toys in shopping centres. Turn around and walk in the opposite direction, unless time is no issue. Then bring a book!!
  6. Look ahead for dogs and babies. Steer Summer away from visual access, unless time is no issue and the other person is relaxed and friendly.
  7. Appreciate the kindness of strangers.
  8. Wear loose clothing around the waist so that people donā€™t have to see my tummy jiggling when I am in stitches at Summerā€™s delightful public interactions.
  9. Avoid going out if thereā€™s time pressure.
  10. Be very patient.
  11. DO NOT let Summer see others eating food!!
  12. Bring BETTER food!
  13. Before going to McDonalds, call them and ask them to put a barrier in front of the food preparation area.
  14. Before going to the bank, call them and ask them to put a barrier between public access and private access areas.
  15. Maybe bank online.
  16. Before going to the chemist, call them and ask them to put a barrier in front of the staff only area.
  17. Wear good running shoes.
  18. Keep lollies on hand. They reduce stress. Bribery is the key word here folks!
  19. Donā€™t make eye contact with other people if Summer becomes agitated.
  20. Believe that everyone is understanding.
  21. Smile lots, apologise quickly if needed, leave.
  22. When outside, look ahead for puddles. Block Summerā€™s view of the puddle.
  23. Bring spare shoes and socks.
  24. Remind yourself itā€™s good for Summer to experience the community and itā€™s good for the community to experience Summer.
  25. Watch Summer and learn from her. Love, innocence, joy, wonder, enthusiasm, excitement.

Abortion – Make The World A Better Place

Sitting in my chair I had a moment. And decided to record it…

Kudos to Candace Payne for recording such a beautiful version of ‘Heal the World’. I played the song on my iPhone as I spoke, as it set the atmosphere for what I wanted to convey. This world can be healed. This world can be a better place. We can approach the abortion issue with compassion and love, with value for all.

Love, Freedom, Truth

Autism, Bible, Emotions, Freedom, God, Homosexuality, Inspiration, Joy, Love, Marriage, Mental health, Microcephaly, Parenting, Social Issues, Special Needs, Spiritual, Stress, , , , , , , ,

 

Musings mum and Summer outsideThereā€™s so much wrestling going on in my mind. Love, freedom, truth. Over and over.

God is love. His love is SO good. Itā€™s beyond our human experience. The Scripture oozes with examples and direct conveyances of his love. ā€œHow wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christā€ (Ephesians 3:18); ā€œthis love that surpasses knowledgeā€ (Ephesians 3:19); ā€œthis is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down his life for us (1 John 3:16). Etc, etc. Just google and you will find a GOLD MINE.

It hurts to know even a smidgeon of this love, and to know that so many have ABSOLUTELY no idea of the depth and the richness and the spiritually overwhelming goodness of this. Itā€™s actually upsetting!

And the life giving Scriptures tell us that the world will know who Jesusā€™ disciples are by their love for one another (John 13:35).

That one upsets me too. Even though God has placed his love in our hearts, we often do a really lousy job of conveying this love. When we are in his presence it is easy. But then we can so easily slip into our old bad habits. We get cross, we get grumpy, we are not loving. SO frustrating!!!

But then we get his love dose. And when this happens, the outcome can be amazing. We can overlook the judgments, the insults, the kidsā€™ bad behaviour, the stress. And love conquers all. It actually does. In moments like these, our soul is deepened in Godā€™s strength. We become mighty overcomers.

I remember when my three youngest children were milling around me in the kitchen. Summer (the one with microcephaly and autism) was agitated, Sarah was whinging. They were all noisy and demanding. I felt pulled, I felt stressed. And it was after a really stressful car trip with all five kids, having to sit next to Summer and manage her behaviour full-time for about 50 minutes. I was really stretched! I felt like I was about to snap, like a war was going on inside me. And then something rose up from deep within me. Something erupted that shocked me. A groan came from my inner being and I unleashed the words, ā€œI LOVE YOU SUMMER!ā€ The kids looked at me shocked. And then I swiftly moved and embraced Summer and poured out love from my heart all over her. It just oozed from every pore of my being. There was such joy and freedom. And I knew this was the place that I wanted to live life every day. I had energy to move forward. I didnā€™t want to escape anymore. It transformed that moment for me and the kids.

If only we could live in this zone 24/7. How different life would be! I believe God gives tastes of heaven, of his goodness of his love. And then he teaches us how to live like this more and more.

And then I think of truth. Godā€™s truth. Not the twaddle of relativism that weā€™ve been spoon-fed by our culture over the last few decades. I love Godā€™s truth. It is liberating. Godā€™s ways are the ways of freedom. If only I could shout from the cityā€™s billboards how amazing truth is. Some luscious Scriptures come to mindā€¦ ā€œJesus is the way, the truth and the lifeā€ (John 14:6); ā€œthen you will know the truth and truth will set you freeā€ (John 8:32).

But truth on its own can often come across so weakly for those who do not agree. There is so much variety of opinion in the world, that to talk about truth from the one who made it, is not received so well. And it can come across as hateful, especially when you quote verses on homosexuality, etc. It makes me sad that what is so precious and so life-giving, can seem so corrupt. And it is not!

I wrestle with how do we present this truth. I see Christians who just tell it like it is, straight as an arrow. And I see Christians who despise this approach and emphasise the need to come from love and no judgment. I look at the Scripture and I see a loving God who is straight down the line with his speech. But he oozes love 24/7 and so when it comes, it comes from a place of love.

One thing I have learnt from being married, is that skill is important to some extent. I can learn relationship skills, I can learn better ways to phrase things so that conflict goes down better. This is hard but can be worthwhile. But what is SO much more effective is when my heart is in the right place. When I ooze Godā€™s love and Iā€™ve been in his presence and my heart is wanting freedom for my husband as well as myself, without condemnation or judgment or unrighteous anger, THEN IT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT and it doesnā€™t matter how I say it, because what is read is far beyond words. Maybe not all of the time. But even if it is not received, I am still free. I am not fuming. I am full of love and joy. And it is certainly a lot easier for the other person to hear.

This seems all wonderfully ideal and there is lots of truth here. But Iā€™m not 24/7 living out Jesus. And so I wrestle, with love, truth and freedom.

One thing I will finish with. When I have spoken hard stuff to people and itā€™s come from my own sense of timing, it hasnā€™t worked very well. Iā€™ve not seen good fruit. But when the Holy Spirit has prompted me to speak hard stuff, and even though Iā€™m scared I do it, itā€™s completely different. Itā€™s been received, not necessarily followed, but seen as love.

At the end of the day, I conclude I trust God and I want him to grow me. And I want him to direct me. Because his way works. And mine doesnā€™t. And I want to speak his truth with love and power. That I hunger for so much!

The Day Road Signs Excited Me

Bible, Emotions, Excited, Freedom, God, Inspiration, Joy, Love, Spiritual, , , , , ,

 

Speed Limit Sign3In my early 20s I was given the opportunity to preach at my local church. I was excited. Unlike many people who fear public speaking, I love it. I wanted to bring a good smacking sermon. Something with some punch and grit. I decided to speak on obedience.

I presented my great idea to the Holy Spirit, but felt like he said, ā€˜no ā€“ love and obedienceā€™. I didnā€™t like that answer, so I tried again. Maybe I had heard wrong. But I got the same answer. So I let it be and kept thinking about my sermon on obedience. But I had no peace about it. I kept remembering about love and obedience. But I was miserable about this because I felt that the inclusion of love was going to make my sermon fluffy and nice, with a lack of punch. It reminded me of Sunday school and being good and being nice. All sweet, but I wanted PUNCH! To be honest, I had no heart revelation.

As time was running out I started to feel desperate. And I felt miserable. I was not passionate about the topic and I couldnā€™t bear to preach without being passionate. I couldnā€™t fake it! So I earnestly pleaded with God, ā€˜if you want me to preach on ā€˜love and obedienceā€™ then you have to give me a revelation!ā€™

I donā€™t know how much later, but I remember being in my loungeroom in front of the gas heater, in Boronia, Melbourne. I was in the presence of God. I canā€™t remember how it happened, but I remember that it was incredibly intense. I didnā€™t want to leave. I wanted to stay in His presence forever. It was so incredibly wonderful, like nothing one can experience in any other possible way. I felt his love SO strong. This was so long ago, but I cry so much just writing this. It was so deeply profound and life changing.

The biggest thing I remember was feeling like I couldnā€™t wait to be tested on an area of sin, no matter how small, so I could OBEY God. Because I LOVED him! I just couldnā€™t wait to obey Him so I could express this LOVE. The next day I knew I would be driving to work at Northside Christian College. Haha now I remember what year it was ā€“ 2000. I couldnā€™t wait to get in my car and stick to the speed limitā€¦ because I LOVED GOD and I didnā€™t want to break the road rules ā€“ even a little bit. Normally I reluctantly kept to the speed limit, because I knew it was right ā€“ but I would push it a bit. I like a bit of adrenalin and a bit of racing and winning. So my driving was to speed off at the lights and beat the other cars, then slow down when I got just over the speed limit, cos I knew 3km over was safe to not get fined. But not this time. I was going to delight in sticking to the speed limit, finding joy in every step of the journey, every practice of patience. It was not a burden, it was an absolute joy! I canā€™t tell you how much I thoroughly enjoyed this.

The ecstasy of this revelation did not remain at this intense level, but dissipated to a lower level over time. But I have never ever ever forgotten this revelation. It has been written into the core of my heart. When I do what God tells me to do, it is with pleasure and trust, because I love Him. The energy to obey is so different. The gritting oneā€™s teeth is not like it was. It can be hard, it can be tough, but when I think of who is asking, my heart is so, so much quicker to respond and with joy. I love Him so much. This changed my life and the way I view life and sin and reading the Bible. Everything!

Iā€™m not as loving a driver as I was that first day, but Iā€™m still long-term transformed.

Jesus said, ā€œif you love me, keep my commandsā€ (John 14:15) and ā€œWhoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves meā€ (John 14:21) and ā€œAnyone who loves me will obey my teaching.ā€ (John 14:23). Jesus repeated this over and over to make sure his disciples ā€˜got itā€™.

John who recorded these words must have ā€˜got itā€™, because in his subsequent letter of 1 John, he writes ā€œin fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome,ā€ (1 John 5:3) and then from another angle, ā€œThose who keep his commands live in him, and he in them.ā€ (1 John 3:24)