I’ve been a chaser of the ideal. A lover of perfection. But I have discovered multiple times that I am considerably lacking in ideal. Haha it’s so funny. And I keep forgetting this lesson which is even funnier. And tiring!

Fortunately for me, God is ideal. Well – in His book, maybe not ours. (He’s out of the box!)

I remember the first big lesson was in the year 2000. I had finished my music and teaching degree and was in my first year of teaching full-time, secondary music and psychology. It must have been in the second half of the year, as I was tired. I was feeling worn down. It was a full-on year getting used to full-time work, but what was worse, was I was frustrated with my growth as a Christian.

I was always passionate about growing in God. As a teenager I used to have charts to tick off my Bible reading, Bible memorisation and time spend with God (TWG for short). I would set goals and pursue them for a few days or a week, then I would get distracted or lack the will and give up. Then I’d feel guilty and bad and horrible and far from God and miserable. Then after a few months, I’d connect with God wonderfully, have a big cry and write letters to my future self about how awesome it was to be in His presence, and how I needed to press through in future and not give up.

But in the future I would keep not pressing in. I would get bored. I would get tired. Then the guilt, etc, etc. Cycle after cycle.

By the year 2000 I had done this cycle lots and lots of times. And I was tired. I felt like a failure. I tried so hard but couldn’t win. Aaarrggh!!!!

Well I sat down in my loungeroom in Boronia and I decided to quit. I decided to tell God that I wasn’t giving up on him, but I was giving up on trying to grow myself, because it wasn’t working. I told God that he had to grow me, as I was giving up.

Hahahahaha. I think that’s what God was WAITING FOR!!!! He must have been shouting HALLELUJAH!

Well, later that week, a light came on in my soul. I had felt dead for a long time, so I noticed the difference. I didn’t put the light on, it just came there, and I knew God had done it in answer to my prayer. Then he put an idea in my heart to connect with a fellow teacher at the school, to ask her to mentor me in prayer. So I did what I was told, and that was great. My life started to build.

And time and time again, I watched God take the initiative. He would put something on my mind or heart and I would hear and just do it. And then life would come, then growth would come. And it was SO much easier. He led me to breakthroughs and overcoming and winning. Well not everything all at once, unfortunately for my poor impatience. But fortunately for my patience, he did things at his pace, some slow, some fast. His choice, his timing.

I learnt (and am still learning) to not worry about my imperfections, as I knew God would take care of it eventually. There was no point on me improving myself in that area, until God decided it was time to work on it. Cos then there would be grace. I learnt to trust the Holy Spirit that he knows the right timing. He’s the master craftsmen. He knows what to do and when. So delicate an operation sometimes. He’s seriously brilliant. I have watched him over and over in amazement!

I do pray and ask God’s intervention in stuff. I don’t just sit back and stare. But then I trust (or I need to trust) that he’s heard and will tackle it when he sees best. Often he does a little bit of tackling some time within that week, I think just to encourage me and let me know he’s onto it. And the more I press in with prayer, the more active he gets. So it’s definitely two way street. But without him, I may as well pick up my bat and ball and go home. Cos there will be no winning, no real life change, just a little rat going around and around the improvement wheel and getting tired!